(Just after I published this article rumors from Australia surfaced Tiger would play Accenture Match Play in Tucson, and it was also reported on local Phoenix news stations. We’ll see what happens, I’m still sticking to my guns)

Tiger is tucked away in Hattiesburg, MS trying to get his shaft under control. Over the years we’ve watched him trying to control many wayward drives. The flex in your driver shaft often determines how well you control your tee shots. Tiger’s recent flex point control issue has more serious implications on his life, children, and marriage. Who knew two months ago we would be waiting his return while he regained flex point control at Pine Grove Institute instead of a golf testing center in Carlsbad, CA?

He’s maintaining, “Sex addiction”. Isn’t that the celebrity cover-up for cheating on the side? If we pled “sex addiction” when our flex point landed in the wrong fairway too many times I think we would be politely escorted from the course without any mulligans. Supposedly men think about sex every seven seconds, aren’t we all a bit obsessed with the subject? Control is the operative word, something Tiger has always espoused on the course, but apparently not in his personal life. When he returns, the week will need to be all about control, and there aren’t many places on tour capable of handling the media onslaught.

Augusta, many folks believe these hallowed grounds will be his mea culpa week. The membership is guarded, avoiding publicity whenever possible, and only wants recognition for their course and tournament. They could definitely protect him but do they want too? Tiger, I’m sure, wants to play the Masters because it’s the first step toward a possible Grand Slam. The venues this year offer a great opportunity for Tiger, accomplishing Bobby Jones’ singular feat definitely crosses his mind.

The Augusta press room would be the idyllic setting, and most of the world’s press is already here, but the green jackets don’t like circuses. It’s very prim and proper on the old tree nursery grounds, stoic may be a better word, and this will be a fiasco. Uh-Uh, not here as the first tournament back in the spotlight, maybe the second or third.

Between now and then, what is there about eight or nine tournaments? He doesn’t play many events on the West Coast, and after AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-am significantly shortened the field hoping to get Tiger, he was supposed to be on the Monterrey Peninsula. The paparazzi, celebrities, and circus atmosphere is already present, it would be perfect, plus one of his sponsors, AT&T, could run interference. He not only screwed those fourteen women, Tiger left about thirty pros and sixty amateurs without a tee time in a tournament they’ve been playing in for years.

Thanks Tiger. He won’t be here either to explain his sex addiction then play a little golf. They bent ass over backwards for him, just for an appearance, and told the other dedicated players, “Thanks for your support over the years, we don’t need you this year, Tiger’s coming in your place.” No he’s not; he has mandatory tee times at Pine Grove therapy sessions.

Let’s see, Phoenix, nope. Already moved boulders (loose impediments) and aced the sixteenth, creating the loudest applause ever heard at a PGA event. He doesn’t need them anymore, and hasn’t been there since 1997, I think.

Speaking of thinking let me see if I can step in Tiger’s brain while he evaluates his potential return date.

Accenture dropped me from their advertising program so the World Match Play tournament doesn’t require an appearance, nor do they want me right now. Ties have been severed no reason to reopen wounds while there’s a tournament going on. Let the boys knock each other around at an event I usually dominate then send me the TV ratings and let me know what you think. It’s a five day event; I’d have to be there Monday or Tuesday for the press conferences. Sorry I don’t think I can spend all week at a tournament not labeled a Major.

Moving to Florida Tampa is out; Doral is a possibility since it’s no longer a Ford event infringing on my Buick ties. Oh, that’s right Buick isn’t around anymore either. Where have all my sponsors gone? Why aren’t they supporting me during my fight with this terrible, life shattering, addiction? Don’t folks usually help a person fight physical or psychological addictions? Why is nobody in my corner?

Arnie, I need you Arnie? Bayhill is a bastion and AP controls everything. This might make a little sense here. It’s close to home; I can knock off press conferences a little bit each day. Maybe Arnie can transport me back and forth in his helicopter? Sympathetic, Arnold, quite the swashbuckler in his day without the media attention, may understand my “sex addiction” and help me through this ordeal.

Okay, here’s the setup for the week at Bayhill. Early Monday morning I’ll have a press conference, 7:00am would be ideal because the media doesn’t keep early hours. A highly structured, controlled hour where I read from a prepared statement, no questions from anyone, then leave my doctors and therapists at the podium discussing the progress I made at Pine Grove. I can sneak out the back while the press is sequestered.

TW: “Hey Arnie, can I hitch a ride home. I’ve done enough for the public today.
Hibernating at home inside Isleworth’s gates is about as protected as it gets.”

TW: “Hey Arnie, how, about getting those news helicopters out of the air?”

AP: “Sorry, Tiger there’s only so much I can do.”

Tuesday let’s have another press conference like the politicians. You know, one of those town hall settings where Obama only answers scripted questions from the audience. They ask questions our camp prepares and I already have the answers. This should make me look real good, poised, relaxed, like I’m ready to get on with my life. I’ll look adoring to the public again; maybe have Mom sitting by my side, Elin won’t be ready for that seat yet.

I should be out of there by eight and back to Isleworth for some practice. This first tournament back at Bayhill is looking good, making me look good, and I really don’t have to divulge that much to the public. I’m still protecting my life, not letting anyone in, but opening up just enough. Maybe the sponsors will filter back.

Wednesday the pro-am will be set up as usual, teeing off first with the top corporate sponsors but the sea of volunteer guards will separate the gallery from Tiger wherever he walks. Any trite remarks from a spectator will result in immediate expulsion from the tournament. Security will be presidential Secret Service level with the pro-am guests sworn to conversations about sports, politics, religion, business, etc., not the normal stuff guys talk about while playing golf. Remember, I’m rehabilitating and can’t talk about those things for awhile.

Wow, that was fun being Tiger’s brain for a bit. Now if I could crawl inside his………never mind.

Yep, Bayhill looks like the best spot. It’s two weeks before the Masters and provides all the control Tiger needs. Control is going to be the operative word the rest of his life. Not only controlling his shots on the course, but the shots from the gallery, the press, the kids, and his adoring public. The sooner he handles the shots from outside the ropes, I think, the better off everyone will be.

With Arnold by his side at Bayhill, a grandfatherly, highly respected sports celebrity everyone recognizes and appreciates, Tiger will get through that first week. He’ll take some body blows but with Arnold in his corner the bruising won’t be bad. Hopefully Arnold’s down home charm and charisma rubs off a bit, Tiger taking a few lessons from the King, learning a bit more about life and how to treat people. Golf fans need you and you need us. None of us are bulletproof Tiger, you’ll be better off once you accept this.

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