Mark’s Kaddy Korner

Some golfing lines for your next round with the guys or girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I use them during our pro-ams, our playing partners love them.

A ‘Rock Hudson’ - a putt that looked straight, but wasn’t. 

 A ‘Saddam Hussein’- from one bunker into another. 

A ‘Yasser Arafat’ - butt ugly and in the sand. 

A ‘John Kennedy Jr.’ - didn’t quite make it over the water. 

A ‘Rodney King’ - over-clubbed. 

An ‘O.J.’- got away with one. 

A ‘Princess Grace’ - should have used a driver. 

A ‘Princess Di’ - shouldn’t have used the driver. 

A ‘Condom’ - safe, but didn’t feel very good. 

A ‘Brazilian’ - shaved the hole. 

A ‘Rush Limbaugh’ - a little to the right. 

A ‘Nancy Pelosi’ - Way to the left and out of bounds 

A ‘James Joyce’ - a putt that’s impossible to read. 

A ‘Ted Kennedy’ - goes in the water and jumps out. 

A ‘Pee Wee Herman’ - too much wrist. 

A ‘Sonny Bono’ - straight into the trees. 

A ‘Paris Hilton’ - a very expensive hole. 

A ‘Hitler’- two shots in the bunker. 

A ‘Monica Lewinsky’ - all lip, no hole.

 

Golf Axioms  

Ø  Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.

 

Ø  Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during  your swing.

 

Ø  When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

 

Ø  If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there. 

 

Ø  The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing. 

 

Ø  No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.    

 

Ø  The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors. 

 

Ø  Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.  

 

Ø  A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents’ luck.  

 

Ø  It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt…..for a double bogey.  

 

Ø  Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.  

 

Ø  Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

 

Ø  It’s not a gimme if you’re still 5 yards away.  

 

Ø  The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree. 

 

Ø  You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.  

 

Ø  If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. 

 

Ø  Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three. 

 

Ø  When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again. 

 

Ø  Every time a bad golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe. 

 

Ø  If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard. 

 

Ø  To calculate the speed of a player’s downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap; i.e., backswing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph. 

Ø   

Ø  There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove. 

 

Ø  Hazards attract; fairways repel.  

 

Ø  A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

 

Ø  If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.  If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint. 

 

Ø  It’s easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn. 

 

Ø  A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game. 

 

Ø  Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot. 

 

Ø  A good golf partner is one who’s always slightly worse than you are….that’s why you get so many calls to play with friends. 

 

Ø  If there’s a storm rolling in, you’ll be having the round of your life. 

 

Ø  Golf balls are like eggs.  They’re white.  They’re sold by the dozen.  And you need to buy fresh ones each week. 

 

Ø  It’s amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps. 

 

Ø  If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight or worse.

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“If the light stays on for more than 4 hours, call your erectrician.”

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The best line I’ve heard on the Tiger saga…..

I promise you, if he had 19 majors, you might never see him again. Now he’s got to ask himself if the juice is worth the squeeze.” – Pat Perez, on Tiger Woods.

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You can buy balls in the pro shop. I don’t think you’ll find another arm close by!!!

Can’t believe he took the whole arm!!!!

Good thing his Momma didn’t make him chew every bite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow!!!!!!  What a day at the course!!! I usually pull weeds and pins not arms from gator’ gut.

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New Tiger Video Game - try to stop the mistresses before they get to the press. It’s quite fun, addicting, and very chauvinistic. Click on the site below: 

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Over the years people have sent me, and I’ve collected, a batch of stupid stuff people do on the golf course.

I thought maybe you would like to see the dark side of golf. Some of the videos, pictures, and stories may be a bit risque so be warned before you click on a link.

Enjoy if you like, comment if you want, and pass on a few laughs to your friends.

Ernie Els On Tiger a Few Years Back

Ultimate Peer Respect . . ..

“People have accused me of being so far up Tiger’s arse that he can barely make a full swing, but I maintain that he is a special person. There’s no one else on the planet who can do what he does or even thinks of doing what he does. I’ve often thought, instead of showing Tiger’s reaction to a shot he’s hit, we really should show the reaction of those around him.”

But here is the next best thing. “I’m walking down the 18th fairway at Firestone Country Club with Ernie Els and Tiger, who has popped up a three-wood about 40 yards behind Ernie into some wet, nasty, horrible, six-inch rough,” Feherty says.

“Tiger’s cursing and taking clumps out of Ohio with his three-wood. And, of course, we’re not showing this on TV because we want to be able to interview him later. Ernie and I walk past Tiger’s ball, and it is truly buried.

“Ernie is tied with Tiger and he’s in the middle of the fairway. I’m standing with Ernie and my microphone is open. Ken Venturi [in the CBS booth] sends it to me and I say, ‘Tiger’s got 184 yards with two big red oaks overhanging the green. He’s got absolutely nothing. With a stick of dynamite and a sand wedge I might be able to move this ball 50 yards.

Steve Williams [Woods' caddie] tells me [with a hand signal] that he’s using a pitching wedge.’ “Tiger takes his swing. Every muscle in his body is flung at the ball. It looks like he’s torn his nutsack. The divot went as far as I could hit the ball. I’ve got my microphone at my mouth thinking, what the hell was that!

The ball sails over the trees, lands behind the hole and backs up to about six feet from the flag.

I open my microphone and Ernie turns and says, ‘Fuck me!’

“My producer comes on in my earpiece and says, ‘Was that Ernie?’ I say yes. He says, ‘Fair enough.’

“I could have described that shot for 15 minutes and not done as good a job as Ernie did with two words. This is the second best player in the world talking, and you wanna know how good Tiger is?

Ask Ernie Els.”

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Someone actually sat at the nineteenth hole and drew this up. I really need to find Ed Snead and Dan Jenkins “Ten Stages of Drunk Napkin” — now that’s a classic!

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Ten Stages of Drunk by Dan Jenkins and Ed Snead

Okay, I found it in a neat, concise text, but Ed Snead swears this was written down on a bar napkin in a Hawaiian bar. Both claim to have achieved level 10 and Ed once left a party with a woman in the clairvoyant stage. Who knows, but only professionals could come up with this list. We all know and recognize individuals at their different stages of drunk.

In the book “Baja Oklahoma”, Jenkins has given us a new scale
relating to the levels of drunkenness as they occur in mankind (and
womankind).?

“Mankind’s Ten Stages of Drunkenness”

0). A Zero is sober
1). Witty and Charming
2). Rich and Powerful
3). Benevolent
4). Clairvoyant
5). F**k Dinner
6). Patriotic
7). Crank Up the Enola Gay
8). Witty and Charming, Part II
9). Invisible
10). Bulletproof